From my other blog:
When
you read about the following events happening in relation to the
Presidential election, just remember you heard it here first. Also, if
this does not happen, something even crazier will.
On election
eve it is reported that Florida has absolutely no election problems.
Commentators point to that state as the epitome of how an election
should run. Bush is declared the winner even without the votes from
soldiers overseas. Some voters, upon exiting the polls, admit that they
thought they were voting to re-elect the governor who lead them through
four hurricanes. Comedians everywhere poke fun at the intelligence of
the Florida electorate.
The election night drama unfolds as
news stations everywhere mark West Virginia, Oregon, and New Mexico as
blue. The drama culminates with a crescendo of music as Ohio slowly
turns red. The night ends with Bush being declared the “winner” having
won 273 electoral votes to Kerry’s 265.
But wait there’s more.
Bush
is not declared the “official winner” because recounts ensue in
multiple states. After numerous recounts in New Mexico, it is
determined that the election is a tie and following New Mexican law
about two candidates being forced to draw lots to determine the winner,
Bush and Kerry agree to meet to play poker for the state’s five
electoral votes. The world press laughs but ratings for Celebrity Poker
are the highest on record. ESPN laughs louder. Some voters are
confused, however, when announcers say that Bush has the nuts and
actually think the announcers say “Bush is nuts". Teenagers everywhere,
however, howl with delight at the phrase citing that now they can point
to a bush that has a dick and the nuts.
But wait there’s more
Colorado
seemingly goes to Bush but Amendment 36 (reforming the Electoral
College), after numerous recounts, passes resulting in 4 of the
electoral votes of Colorado going to Kerry. Republicans immediately
challenge it on the grounds that the Constitution says that the
legislature has to decide and the legislature did not decide in this
case since the amendment was initiated by citizens instead. The
Colorado Supreme court disagrees. The case goes to the US Supreme Court
which rules 6-3 that the amendment is constitutional with O’Connor,
Rehnquist, and Kennedy in the minority. Justice Scalia astounds critics
everywhere by voting with the majority. He cites states rights in his
decision.
But wait there’s more
Ohio votes are
suspect after Diebold CEO Walden O’dell admits he did everything he
could to give Ohio to Bush. Challenges immediately ensue and the
Secretary of State of Ohio is forced to wait to declare the winner.
But wait there’s more
Lawsuits
are brought across the nation alleging voter fraud. In one poignant
case in Wisconsin Republicans charge that Democrats sent mail to a
“safehouse” in Wisconsin with the names of thousands of Illinois
Democrats. These people then allegedly drove to Wisconsin and voted on
election day using Wisconsin’s laws that allow people to register the
day of an election with a piece of mail ten days old. Allegedly CBS
obtains such a letter but refuses to air it fearing its a forgery.
Conservative critics blast the network for being biased unlike the
“Fair and Balanced” network of Fox.
Other cases challenge the
legality of the HAVA act passed after the 2000 debacle. Voter
disenfranchisement becomes a major buzzword. Voters are confused as to
what being a part of a franchise really means even wanting to know the
stock symbol under which they’re traded.
After all legal challenges and recounts are sorted out Bush is declared the winner by two electoral votes.
But wait there’s more
One
elector is unable to cast his vote at the convening of the electoral
college because he is stopped from boarding a plane. Apparently someone
with his same name has been listed as a potential terrorist and is put
on a no fly list.
Additionally, one elector is faithless and
votes for Libertarian Mike Badnarik marking the first time that a
faithless elector has changed the outcome of an election. Allegations
of George Soros influencing the vote are made.
All eyes
immediately focus on Louisiana where a Senatorial runoff is underway
since no candidate got a majority. Since the Senate will be choosing
the Vice-President millions of dollars from 527 groups pour into
Louisiana thereby proving how this awkward system really does help the
state.
When the Congress convenes, the House is unable to
determine a President as a few states with split delegations (including
Illinois which has one Libertarian voting for Badnarik) are unable to
come to a consensus for how they will vote. Nor is the Senate able to
choose a Vice-President as they remain deadlocked. On January 20, 2005,
with neither chamber having made a decision, Speaker of the House
Dennis Hastert is declared the interim President.
But wait there’s more.
When
Hastert leaves the House his fellow Illinois Congressman are able to
come to a consensus of John Kerry. Fifteen minutes after Hastert is
declared acting President, John Kerry is declared President.
But wait there’s more.
When
Kerry leaves the Senate to assume the Presidency the Senate is able to
come to a consensus on Vice-President. Dick Cheney is declared the
Vice-President.
But wait there’s more.
Kerry gives
the longest inaugural speech on record and takes ill dying less than a
month later thereby serving the shortest of any President.
Dick
Cheney, upon learning that he is to assume the Presidency suffers a
Heart attack and becomes severely incapacitated but insists upon
serving as President even naming an entirely different cabinet than
Kerry. In three months, however, he dies giving rise to the Hastert
Presidency.
For one year Hastert attempts to act as President
but is severely hampered by Democrats and members of his own party who
blame him for assuming the Presidency long enough to give Kerry the
job. Hastert is ultimately killed by terrorists although it is unclear
if they are domestic or not. Investigations never reveal anything
giving rise to conspiracy theories. Interestingly, in the same attack
on President Hastert the newest Speaker of the House is killed meaning
President Pro Tempore Robert Byrd assumes the Presidency.
Byrd
amazingly manages to complete the Presidency even after appointing the
fourth Secretary of State in two years. He dies two days after the
inauguration of Hillary Clinton who narrowly beats Jeb Bush in an
election ultimately decided by the Supreme Court.
- Russell Weisfield