Heartbreak

October 11, 2004

There’s a funny thing about heartbreak. Most of the pain you feel is in the heart area. It’s amazing that someone close to you could cause such a pain. The constant pressure in the chest and the knotting of the stomach, not to mention the countless tears that stream out of your eyes making them puffy and your cheeks chapped. It makes me wonder why we even love at all.

I’m a victim of heartbreak. I am a survivor of heartbreak, although I haven’t truly started to live again. One person can do something that will ruin a beautiful personality that took years to perfect. Sure, it will come back again; more guarded in the future, a heart more closed to love. One person can be responsible for locking away a person’s heart forever; the ultimate power.

Hindsight is twenty twenty so they say. Looking back, you can see the comings of a disaster. Keep all those things in mind and remember it for the next relationship. Basically, learn not to trust. Yeah, trust, the ever-elusive relationship staple. The one thing that you have to have to continue with someone. The important part of life. You have to trust every day, people in the other cars around you, the strength of the building you are in, the information you receive on the news. It seems so easy to trust; so easy to just know what is true and what isn’t. Then why is this so easy trust, so hard to grab a hold of in love? Is it human nature to hurt one another? Do people believe it is truly ok to cheat?

I’m not a religious person, nor am I a perfect person. I have my flaws, my insecurities, and my mistakes. The one thing I don’t have is the ability to lie. People say one of my flaws is the fact that I am so straightforward and I tell the truth, no matter what it is. I thought about this flaw and if I should fix it. I decided I would rather have this flaw than to hurt someone the way I have been hurt. To feel like your whole life has been flushed into the Ohio River and is floating out of existence. I would never want to hurt someone like that. Not a stranger, or especially someone I love. For me, that seems impossible.

Granted, everyone tells lies, most are small and insignificant, and others are huge and hurtful. No lie is a good lie, especially not in love. I’m a very guarded person. I keep my feelings to myself and I don’t give my heart to just anyone. I haven’t been hurt before, but I never wanted to be one of those people who were blinded and couldn’t see what was going on. But you know, you can’t live your life to the fullest without giving away your heart, maybe even a couple times. The most unlikely person will hurt you, but that hurt will only make you stronger. I don’t know that yet but that’s what I have been told. I have to believe that or this pain would eat me alive. This pain can make the strongest person so weak and helpless. It can slide a person into the deepest depths of depression. It can put a driven, ambitious person’s life in gridlock, basically at a standstill.

There is anger with the pain. Anger is the mechanism that helps you deal with such treachery. Anger tries to kill the love. Anger is never successful. It’s like the heart doesn’t listen to any other part of your body. The brain is saying, hate him for what he did, your heart is saying, love him for how he was. This can cause major turmoil within the body including upchuck reflex and lack of appetite. I would like anger to conquer all. I can deal with anger. It my case, anger hasn’t won a round yet, but the gloves are still up and anger’s still fighting for me.

It’s weird to think your prince charming can ride in on a white horse (or drive in in a white car) sweep you off your feet and carry you into the sunset just to drop you in a pit of skanky muddy water so you have to paw your way back out feeling dirty and disgusting. Taking every good thing about you, just to throw it away. But he can’t take it from you, it’s yours forever and you will always be a good person if you don’t stoop to his level. Keep your head up, that’s what I’m trying to do. Move on, it might be a slow uphill climb but at the top you will be stronger.

I am writing this for myself. I know what I have to do to get past this part of my life but it’s easier for me to read it like it wasn’t my idea. There are things I don’t want to let you of. I don’t want the one person that I truly loved to be out of my life, but knowing that love wasn’t reciprocated means I need to. The false sense of security I had in his arms, being surrounded by his love wasn’t really there. It was all in my head and in my heart. Now, I can truly say I was a fool in love.