An interesting E-mail written by Jim Heikkinen… while serving in Iraq.

Good Morning!

I hope you and your family are having a safe, and joyous holiday season. From what I’ve heard, you’ve had a smattering of snow, and believe me, that’s the only thing I’m not missing from home. Today’s big decision, as I prepared for work this morning, was whether to wear my polypropylene undershirt.

The tempo of activity changes on a regular basis. Some days have us begging for something meaningful to do (you can pave, bulldoze, or build structures at a finite rate, depending on availability of supplies and hardware), while other days have us wishing the body armor and windshields were a bit thicker. The day before yesterday, one of our convoy trucks experienced a late-evening drive-by shooting… a passing white van slid open it’s side door and send a bullet through the truck windshield, that eventually lodged in the radio… next to the now-wide-awake assistant driver. The van disappeared into the desert, which is easy to do since there are generally no guard rails on the roadway shoulder.

A short tretis on driving in the Middle East:

Imagine that you’re in Pittsburgh during rush hour, with these differences: you pass cars that have been involved in accidents during the night, they are either upside down or compressed by 2-3 feet at both ends and pointing the wrong way, or both. The accident cars may still be smoking from being burned, they usually are either new hi-end Mercedes sedans, BMW Z3s or 700-series sedans, or Ford Mustangs.

You are driving at Kilometer Per Hour speeds that equal 100MPH or better, wherever you go, usually to give possible snipers a poor target. Just ignore the persistant “ding… ding… ding… ding” of the over-120KPH speedometer warning.

You absolutely MUST scan ahead for slow-moving heavy equipment (usually devoid of taillights) using your lane, as well as cars and trucks that have missed their exit and are backing up either in the median or shoulder, but sometimes in your lane. These last vehicles are the only ones we’ve seen ticketed by the local police, who do recognize a hazard in this practice.

Stay out of the fast lane if your vehicle can’t do at least 100MPH, otherwise you’ll be in someone’s grill. This can be touchy if you don’t speak Arabic.

When in traffic, being “CUT OFF”, merely means you’ve left space enough for 1/2 a vehicle or less, which the other driver will recognize to be a valid place to dive into when you’ve slammed on your brakes.

Traffic Circles are the supreme adventure in driving. The inner concentric lane, of however many there are, always has the Right Of Way. If the Innercircle driver decides to make a last-moment turn to the outside, everyone he hits will be in the wrong.

Never expect to see taillights on forklifts (yes, we’re still doing 100MPH on the 4-lane).

You will learn not to laugh at the “Death or Jail” sign. It’s a Police reminder to slow down.

There are two places in Kuwaiti City where the Police photograph drivers who are exceeding the 120KMH speed limit. We generally wave as the light flashes.

ALWAYS carry water, food and weapons. When asked if you happen to have weapons, the Military Police aren’t searching for contraband. They won’t allow you to drive without them. This fact was a cranial spinner when we first got here, since your natural tendency is to deny you have guns in the car…“NO, I mean YES…I Mean…”. The other items are crucial if you have a flat tire during the summer months, out where the table-flat sand reaches to all horizons, and when the temperature can reach 140.

If you follow these basic examples, you should have no trouble navigating on the public roadways, and through the numerous Police and military checkpoints. When you arrive at your destination, you must “clear” your weapon and allow your transportation to be subjected to a search for bad things (hidden explosives, for example). You must exit your vehicle, open the hood and all the doors and stand behind a yellow line while a para-military (Kellogg/Brown/Root employee…ie. Halliburton - $70K/yr - all-expenses paid) guard watches you for suspicious activity. This routine is pretty much a standard example of what you have to endure to run downtown for something you have to buy on the open market (bulk tissue rolls for the restroom, for instance).

When someone asks “What’s not to like” about the Middle East, they’ve obviously not been behind the wheel here. My driving will require reprogramming, after I return to the States. Nobody talks about “Road Rage” over here, since we assume most everyone is carrying an AK-47, or an RPG (Rocket-Propelled-Grenade). Drivers are actually pretty friendly.

An Interview with Jim Heikkinen. Subject: Iraq